Ask and you shall receive?
Charlie has been on the hunt for a new job since Aiden was born. At first, not a lot of people were hiring. Then came a few prospects, but nothing real promising. About a month ago, Charlie heard through the grapevine that one of his friends, a boss at National Steel, would hire him in a heartbeat if he was interested in leaving Corry Contract. So Charlie took his resume over and welded a couple of components for the owner to look at. His work was so seamless and clean, the owner wanted him in there the very next day! Of course, Charlie is obligated to put in his 2 weeks notice, so he can't start until the 21st, but he was flattered nonetheless. We prayed every night for the right job to come along, and I really think this one is it. Not only does it offer a cleaner environment for him to work in, better pay and benefits, but it offers hope for the future - something Corry Contract could not even fathom.
Other than that, not much is new. Short post today, as I have a ton of emails to answer and a few chores to do while it is still naptime! Take care all!
Monday, April 14, 2008
Thursday, April 3, 2008
LIFE (short word, short altogether)
Today is actually warm enough for me to take the kids outside for a walk. I can't believe it - I am actually going to set foot outside other than getting in and out of the car!! Woo hoo!! Hey, simple pleasures, folks - simple pleasures. Life is full of them.
Yesterday, Charlie came home crabby. On Tuesday, he was approached by the bosses and asked what it would take, money-wise, to make him happy where he's at. To put it in plain English, they were offering a raise and asking him what he wanted. He came up with some figures that night, and when he went in yesterday, they did a 180 on him and basically told him to forget it - there'd be enough overtime coming to satisfy his needs. So he came home, depressed and feeling worthless, and it immediately affected me. I don't like to see him like that, nor does he deserve to be treated that way! Mostly, there's nothing I can do except offer advice; sometimes I know it's easier for me to tell him something than to actually endure the situation in his shoes. I told him that he's not stuck there unless he lets himself. I told him to take a few days off and look around - get his name out there, see who is hiring and what they have to offer. He half-heartedly mumbled "Thanks," and I felt brushed off. Then we were both pouty - him about work and me about feeling unappreciated. During dinner, neither of us spoke a word. Gabby did most of the babbling until finally, Charlie spoke up and said, "It really stinks that both of us are in a bad mood at the same time. We can't even rely on each other to cheer us up."
That stuck in my head like glue. It repeats over and over. He's right. What good is a relationship, any relationship at all, if you can't rely on each other for support, love, understanding, and acceptance? Sometimes we get so caught up in our own thoughts and emotions, that we can't be bothered with things, good or bad, that are happening to those around us. Instead of taking a step back and looking at how we can help each other, we put ourselves first and to hell with what the other person is feeling. When we could be helping each other out and talking through our problems, we're pushing each other to the side for a time and place that is more convenient for us. And you know, that's not right.
Life is too short for pettiness, grudges, and selfishness. I had really no right to be in a bad mood yesterday. Charlie didn't mean to make me feel unappreciated; he was just working through his own dilemma. How could I expect him to be as chipper as a blue bird and automatically put on a happy face? And how could I justify my blue mood? As his wife and friend, I should have brushed those bad feelings aside and focused on Charlie. Maybe I could have done more to make him feel better about himself. Maybe I could have coaxed more communication out of him and given him ideas on what he could do to remedy the situation. But I didn't, and for that, I feel awful. I apologized profusely last night and today, and while Charlie has forgiven and forgotten, I can't say the same of myself. I do not want to be like that again.
So the next time you're in a foul mood and someone approaches you, stop and think: "Am I taking my emotions out on this person, or am I asking for them to just listen to me?" How you vent your feelings is just as important as venting! And it may sound cliche, but whenever I catch myself working up to a crabby, I find myself asking this lately: WWJD?
Yesterday, Charlie came home crabby. On Tuesday, he was approached by the bosses and asked what it would take, money-wise, to make him happy where he's at. To put it in plain English, they were offering a raise and asking him what he wanted. He came up with some figures that night, and when he went in yesterday, they did a 180 on him and basically told him to forget it - there'd be enough overtime coming to satisfy his needs. So he came home, depressed and feeling worthless, and it immediately affected me. I don't like to see him like that, nor does he deserve to be treated that way! Mostly, there's nothing I can do except offer advice; sometimes I know it's easier for me to tell him something than to actually endure the situation in his shoes. I told him that he's not stuck there unless he lets himself. I told him to take a few days off and look around - get his name out there, see who is hiring and what they have to offer. He half-heartedly mumbled "Thanks," and I felt brushed off. Then we were both pouty - him about work and me about feeling unappreciated. During dinner, neither of us spoke a word. Gabby did most of the babbling until finally, Charlie spoke up and said, "It really stinks that both of us are in a bad mood at the same time. We can't even rely on each other to cheer us up."
That stuck in my head like glue. It repeats over and over. He's right. What good is a relationship, any relationship at all, if you can't rely on each other for support, love, understanding, and acceptance? Sometimes we get so caught up in our own thoughts and emotions, that we can't be bothered with things, good or bad, that are happening to those around us. Instead of taking a step back and looking at how we can help each other, we put ourselves first and to hell with what the other person is feeling. When we could be helping each other out and talking through our problems, we're pushing each other to the side for a time and place that is more convenient for us. And you know, that's not right.
Life is too short for pettiness, grudges, and selfishness. I had really no right to be in a bad mood yesterday. Charlie didn't mean to make me feel unappreciated; he was just working through his own dilemma. How could I expect him to be as chipper as a blue bird and automatically put on a happy face? And how could I justify my blue mood? As his wife and friend, I should have brushed those bad feelings aside and focused on Charlie. Maybe I could have done more to make him feel better about himself. Maybe I could have coaxed more communication out of him and given him ideas on what he could do to remedy the situation. But I didn't, and for that, I feel awful. I apologized profusely last night and today, and while Charlie has forgiven and forgotten, I can't say the same of myself. I do not want to be like that again.
So the next time you're in a foul mood and someone approaches you, stop and think: "Am I taking my emotions out on this person, or am I asking for them to just listen to me?" How you vent your feelings is just as important as venting! And it may sound cliche, but whenever I catch myself working up to a crabby, I find myself asking this lately: WWJD?
Friday, March 28, 2008
Welcome to CA (Chocoholics Anonymous)
My name is Jenifer, and I'm a chocoholic.
Good granny! Today is terrible for me - I am so ravenously hungry for chocolate, it is almost scary! My Cadbury egg is gone, and I don't dare open that box with the chocolate cross in it because I'll probably eat the whole thing (it's big, too). I made trail mix last night with peanuts, roasted almonds, cheerios and semi-sweet chocolate chips, so that's sitting on the counter taunting me every time I walk by. I had to put chocolate syrup in my coffee at lunch, then I went back for chocolate milk with a dollop of chocolate ice cream - a mock milkshake. Whew! I wish this desk was made out of chocolate - I'd tear it up like a pride of lions on an antelope! Oooo...I've gotta think of something else! (Must be that time again...)
Gabriella gave me a heck of a time this afternoon. I try to avoid cleaning out her nose at all costs...because it is literally hell. But I'd let the boogie situation go on long enough. After her lunch, I took her to her room to change her diaper. As I was finishing up, I noticed that her nose had some company. It was bad. They were poking out of her nose, waving at me, chatting with each other, hanging window treatments, bungee jumping - it was a three ring circus and I couldn't take it anymore. I tried wiping them away with a clean wipee, but to no avail. So I dug out the boogie bulb and some Q-tips - this sent Gabby into a full out frenzied conniption. She knew what was coming. The screaming started. I had to hold her down and try to dig the little monsters out, which is not an easy thing to do with a 24-lb. toddler kicking, pushing, flipping, screaming, and crying at you. You would have thought I was in there beating her with a wooden spoon. It was horrible! I ran over and closed her door so that she wouldn't wake Aiden from his nap, and then tried to finish the job. Somehow, I managed to get both her arms in my left hand while I held her torso and legs down with my right elbow, steadied her head with my left elbow, and ambushed the remaining boogie with my right hand. (At this point, I'm still not sure where the first one went.) Meanwhile, she's turning beat red from screaming and is on the verge of hyperventilating. Thankfully, I got the job done. I sat her up and tried to calm her down. Instead, she stood up and stomped her feet, which bent the particle board on the changing table (the piece that she lays on), and sent that crashing down after I whisked her off of it. Holy crazy toddler, Batman!!!
Needless to say, nobody got hurt and Gabby passed out as soon as I laid her down for her nap. All I could think of to say to her was, "Was that really necessary?" Now I feel like a child abuser, and I'm sure she pretty much hates me right now. I guess we'll see when she wakes up from her nap. And through all of that, Aiden was still sound asleep...*sigh*...
Motherhood...a free pass to the insane asylum.
Good granny! Today is terrible for me - I am so ravenously hungry for chocolate, it is almost scary! My Cadbury egg is gone, and I don't dare open that box with the chocolate cross in it because I'll probably eat the whole thing (it's big, too). I made trail mix last night with peanuts, roasted almonds, cheerios and semi-sweet chocolate chips, so that's sitting on the counter taunting me every time I walk by. I had to put chocolate syrup in my coffee at lunch, then I went back for chocolate milk with a dollop of chocolate ice cream - a mock milkshake. Whew! I wish this desk was made out of chocolate - I'd tear it up like a pride of lions on an antelope! Oooo...I've gotta think of something else! (Must be that time again...)
Gabriella gave me a heck of a time this afternoon. I try to avoid cleaning out her nose at all costs...because it is literally hell. But I'd let the boogie situation go on long enough. After her lunch, I took her to her room to change her diaper. As I was finishing up, I noticed that her nose had some company. It was bad. They were poking out of her nose, waving at me, chatting with each other, hanging window treatments, bungee jumping - it was a three ring circus and I couldn't take it anymore. I tried wiping them away with a clean wipee, but to no avail. So I dug out the boogie bulb and some Q-tips - this sent Gabby into a full out frenzied conniption. She knew what was coming. The screaming started. I had to hold her down and try to dig the little monsters out, which is not an easy thing to do with a 24-lb. toddler kicking, pushing, flipping, screaming, and crying at you. You would have thought I was in there beating her with a wooden spoon. It was horrible! I ran over and closed her door so that she wouldn't wake Aiden from his nap, and then tried to finish the job. Somehow, I managed to get both her arms in my left hand while I held her torso and legs down with my right elbow, steadied her head with my left elbow, and ambushed the remaining boogie with my right hand. (At this point, I'm still not sure where the first one went.) Meanwhile, she's turning beat red from screaming and is on the verge of hyperventilating. Thankfully, I got the job done. I sat her up and tried to calm her down. Instead, she stood up and stomped her feet, which bent the particle board on the changing table (the piece that she lays on), and sent that crashing down after I whisked her off of it. Holy crazy toddler, Batman!!!
Needless to say, nobody got hurt and Gabby passed out as soon as I laid her down for her nap. All I could think of to say to her was, "Was that really necessary?" Now I feel like a child abuser, and I'm sure she pretty much hates me right now. I guess we'll see when she wakes up from her nap. And through all of that, Aiden was still sound asleep...*sigh*...
Motherhood...a free pass to the insane asylum.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
It hath sprung...
Can it possibly be...spring??? Oh, ladies and gentlemen, I think it has finally arrived! Yay! Today, I have seen hoards of geese - flying in by the dozens. Sometimes by the 2 dozens! So they are definitely back, and in greater numbers than they were last year. I can remember being outside when I was little and hearing their melodious honks echoing in the crisp, fall air. It would be a treat to see that unmistakable 'V' in the sky, heading south to warmer weather. Now...they are everywhere! They are beautiful and fun to watch, don't get me wrong, but they can be a nuisance if their population is not controlled. We get more and more every year on our pond. As I type, they are out there on the beaver dam, beaver hut, pond banks, red brush, you name it, fighting each other for exclusive nesting rights. They are quite a sight - they stretch out their necks so that they are parallel to the ground. Then they lift their wings up (like they're going to take off) and run at each other, hissing and squawking. Sometimes it does turn into a full-out brawl; there's beating and biting and name-calling, I would imagine. But most of it is for show and intimidation. It's good stuff!
I also saw 3 great blues (herons) setting up shop in the nests from last year. Well, actually, the nests have been there in the trees since we moved in, and who knows how long before that. Herons usually come back to the same breeding spot every year and reuse their nests. Last year, some of them got pretty well destroyed from a bad wind storm that we had. Some nests got repaired and others weren't worth the effort, so a few new ones popped up here and there. You know good weather is on the way when you see the GBHs. They don't care much for cold and ice.
We always get an oddball species of bird on the pond every year, too. The first spring/summer we were here, we had a bald eagle. He/She found a mate and had eaglets, and even now they come and go. The second year, we had a tundra swan (no joke), and last year, we had an egret. The swan stayed about a month; the egret was here all summer. It was so cool and interesting. Who would have ever thought that pond would welcome so many different birds and animals? We really do see the neatest things. We've been watching a mink who has made an old woodchuck den into its home. Everynight she (we think, anyway) makes trip after trip to the neighbors' pond for frogs and mudpuppies (salamanders) and runs them back to her den. She's a good little hunter. She better not kill off too many of them - we love the sound of the frogs at night in the summer. It can be almost deafening on those still nights.
We are actually going to cut back a lot of the red brush this spring so that we have better access to the pond for fishing, bird watching, and hunting. We'd even talked about putting in a small dock. That would be a great spot for a couple of Adirondack chairs, a little table with a radio, and a cooler of beverages. Mmmmm....I cannot wait!!! Summer, here I come!!!
Gabriella certainly loves watching the wildlife in our backyard. She is always looking for the geese ("Geese on pond!") and is learning bird distinction. She knows the difference between blue jays, cardinals, and doves now. I can't wait until the ducks start coming back. We get at least 5 different species, so that will be fun to teach her. Her little mind absorbs everything like a sponge. She amazes me. Every day is something new, whether she learns a new game, says a new word, "performs" a new song and dance, or "says" a new animal sound. She is at least calling Aiden "Dee-den" or "brother" now, instead of "baby," so we are making progress there. Still lapsing on the potty training. She does so good some days, and then there are days like today where she wants absolutely nothing to do with it. That's ok. She 19 months old - she is doing phenomenal for her age! I got her some "big girl panties" and they are sitting on top of her dresser next to her changing table (which she is almost too long for). She sees them all the time and I've told her what they are. She doesn't want to wear them yet, but one of these days, I know she will. Hopefully by summer she'll be in them.
Aiden is growing fast! 5 months old and still smiling and laughing - I swear he is the happiest baby I've ever known! He is down to 4 feedings per day now, which is easier for me. We don't buy formula as much, and he doesn't act like he is ravenously hungry every 2-1/2 or 3 hours. He eats 9oz in the a.m., followed by 5oz and cereal at lunch, 5oz and a veggie or fruit at dinner, and then 9oz at bedtime (usually between 7:30-8:30pm). He sleeps until 5:30-7:00am. Making good progress there! He is skipping his morning catnap, and opting to stay up until after lunch. Then he takes a 2-3 hour nap; same as Gabby. He is doing good at sitting up on his own - still a little wobbly, but he does good. He reaches out and grabs everything - loves toys! He found his feet last month, so he is still doing the "I'm gonna grab my feet and hang on for dear life while Mom tries to put my pants on." He loves his jumper (we call it the bouncy swing) and happily goes in it while I get dinner ready. Usually, Gabby comes over and spins him in it ("Wheeee!"); but he loves it and she's so gentle with him, so I just quietly supervise. We think he said "Hi!" a couple of times, but I think most babies spit that word out now and then while they are babbling. His hair has turned from reddish to strawberry blonde - it is hard to say what color he'll end up with. I hope red! I think redheads are adorable!!
Charlie is doing great. Just got done building a prototype for GE Transportation. It is a new cab for a train engine that is going to Egypt. No word yet on how many more GE will order, but they will be very busy soon. That hasn't stopped Charlie from looking elsewhere for another job. The company he works for has basically told him that he has come to a dead end as far as promotions and raises go. Doesn't surprise me after they dropped our Blue Cross insurance and gave us a crappy alternative, cut out holiday bonuses, and jipped Charlie out of 2 weeks vacation for '07. And it's not just him that the company is doing this to. There are a lot of hardworking guys there with families who deserve much better then what that place is offering. Yup, it's time to start looking elsewhere. Other than that, he is doing great and makes me so proud to be his wife. He truly is my best friend, my heart and soul (next to the kids, of course!).
I'm doing better after my last post. I've had a lot of time to think about it, and I realized that the butthead insurance guy's comments are not the only thing that set me off. The past couple of years have been a personal struggle for me. I've had a lot of emotional battles to overcome, and it's not easy to do it practically on your own. I have a great support system, but I'm missing something spiritually. That's where I'm on my own. Thanks to a new friend and inspiration, Les (our pastor), I think I might be getting the guidance that I've been seeking all along. We'll see. As far as the physical aspect goes, I did continue to lose another 4 inches overall (legs, arms, waist, bust, ribcage, hips combined) after my last spout-off, so that is good. I haven't done much this week because I've been told to take it easy. I went to the chiropractor last week to get my lower back and hips adjusted. They were pretty well out of whack. I went right back to doing my routines over the course of the week - nothing healed up. I went back again this past Monday and he did another adjustment. I feel better today, but I'm going to wait it out and start over again with my exercises next week. He did say I could walk, so maybe I'll head out tonight since it is too damp yet for the kids to be out there.
Whew...this is a long post!!! I guess I had a lot more to say than I thought I did. Take care, all you fellow readers.
I also saw 3 great blues (herons) setting up shop in the nests from last year. Well, actually, the nests have been there in the trees since we moved in, and who knows how long before that. Herons usually come back to the same breeding spot every year and reuse their nests. Last year, some of them got pretty well destroyed from a bad wind storm that we had. Some nests got repaired and others weren't worth the effort, so a few new ones popped up here and there. You know good weather is on the way when you see the GBHs. They don't care much for cold and ice.
We always get an oddball species of bird on the pond every year, too. The first spring/summer we were here, we had a bald eagle. He/She found a mate and had eaglets, and even now they come and go. The second year, we had a tundra swan (no joke), and last year, we had an egret. The swan stayed about a month; the egret was here all summer. It was so cool and interesting. Who would have ever thought that pond would welcome so many different birds and animals? We really do see the neatest things. We've been watching a mink who has made an old woodchuck den into its home. Everynight she (we think, anyway) makes trip after trip to the neighbors' pond for frogs and mudpuppies (salamanders) and runs them back to her den. She's a good little hunter. She better not kill off too many of them - we love the sound of the frogs at night in the summer. It can be almost deafening on those still nights.
We are actually going to cut back a lot of the red brush this spring so that we have better access to the pond for fishing, bird watching, and hunting. We'd even talked about putting in a small dock. That would be a great spot for a couple of Adirondack chairs, a little table with a radio, and a cooler of beverages. Mmmmm....I cannot wait!!! Summer, here I come!!!
Gabriella certainly loves watching the wildlife in our backyard. She is always looking for the geese ("Geese on pond!") and is learning bird distinction. She knows the difference between blue jays, cardinals, and doves now. I can't wait until the ducks start coming back. We get at least 5 different species, so that will be fun to teach her. Her little mind absorbs everything like a sponge. She amazes me. Every day is something new, whether she learns a new game, says a new word, "performs" a new song and dance, or "says" a new animal sound. She is at least calling Aiden "Dee-den" or "brother" now, instead of "baby," so we are making progress there. Still lapsing on the potty training. She does so good some days, and then there are days like today where she wants absolutely nothing to do with it. That's ok. She 19 months old - she is doing phenomenal for her age! I got her some "big girl panties" and they are sitting on top of her dresser next to her changing table (which she is almost too long for). She sees them all the time and I've told her what they are. She doesn't want to wear them yet, but one of these days, I know she will. Hopefully by summer she'll be in them.
Aiden is growing fast! 5 months old and still smiling and laughing - I swear he is the happiest baby I've ever known! He is down to 4 feedings per day now, which is easier for me. We don't buy formula as much, and he doesn't act like he is ravenously hungry every 2-1/2 or 3 hours. He eats 9oz in the a.m., followed by 5oz and cereal at lunch, 5oz and a veggie or fruit at dinner, and then 9oz at bedtime (usually between 7:30-8:30pm). He sleeps until 5:30-7:00am. Making good progress there! He is skipping his morning catnap, and opting to stay up until after lunch. Then he takes a 2-3 hour nap; same as Gabby. He is doing good at sitting up on his own - still a little wobbly, but he does good. He reaches out and grabs everything - loves toys! He found his feet last month, so he is still doing the "I'm gonna grab my feet and hang on for dear life while Mom tries to put my pants on." He loves his jumper (we call it the bouncy swing) and happily goes in it while I get dinner ready. Usually, Gabby comes over and spins him in it ("Wheeee!"); but he loves it and she's so gentle with him, so I just quietly supervise. We think he said "Hi!" a couple of times, but I think most babies spit that word out now and then while they are babbling. His hair has turned from reddish to strawberry blonde - it is hard to say what color he'll end up with. I hope red! I think redheads are adorable!!
Charlie is doing great. Just got done building a prototype for GE Transportation. It is a new cab for a train engine that is going to Egypt. No word yet on how many more GE will order, but they will be very busy soon. That hasn't stopped Charlie from looking elsewhere for another job. The company he works for has basically told him that he has come to a dead end as far as promotions and raises go. Doesn't surprise me after they dropped our Blue Cross insurance and gave us a crappy alternative, cut out holiday bonuses, and jipped Charlie out of 2 weeks vacation for '07. And it's not just him that the company is doing this to. There are a lot of hardworking guys there with families who deserve much better then what that place is offering. Yup, it's time to start looking elsewhere. Other than that, he is doing great and makes me so proud to be his wife. He truly is my best friend, my heart and soul (next to the kids, of course!).
I'm doing better after my last post. I've had a lot of time to think about it, and I realized that the butthead insurance guy's comments are not the only thing that set me off. The past couple of years have been a personal struggle for me. I've had a lot of emotional battles to overcome, and it's not easy to do it practically on your own. I have a great support system, but I'm missing something spiritually. That's where I'm on my own. Thanks to a new friend and inspiration, Les (our pastor), I think I might be getting the guidance that I've been seeking all along. We'll see. As far as the physical aspect goes, I did continue to lose another 4 inches overall (legs, arms, waist, bust, ribcage, hips combined) after my last spout-off, so that is good. I haven't done much this week because I've been told to take it easy. I went to the chiropractor last week to get my lower back and hips adjusted. They were pretty well out of whack. I went right back to doing my routines over the course of the week - nothing healed up. I went back again this past Monday and he did another adjustment. I feel better today, but I'm going to wait it out and start over again with my exercises next week. He did say I could walk, so maybe I'll head out tonight since it is too damp yet for the kids to be out there.
Whew...this is a long post!!! I guess I had a lot more to say than I thought I did. Take care, all you fellow readers.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Name change?
I've been contemplating a name change for my blog. A few ideas:
"So this is my hell..."
"So this is my struggle..."
"So why bother?"
How easily discouraged I get. It doesn't take much - it never has. I don't like to be consumed by a problem. Honestly, it does nothing but drag me down, make me feel like crap, and have a poor affect on those around me. But it is hard to stay positive, especially when we're talking about something that could mean life or death for me...and that is the sickening, harsh reality of it all.
About a month ago, we received in the mail some information about a health care plan. Seeing as we can't stand the new insurance that Charlie's company has forced upon them, and the fact that Charlie is looking elsewhere for work, we thought it would be in our best interest to explore other options. The rep for the insurance company came to our house last night to discuss the plans and benefits. We get about 3/4 of the way through the presentation, and it gets laid out on the table. He asked if we have any specific health problems that would inhibit our chances of getting this insurance (ie. diabetes, cancer, epilepsy, etc.). We said no, but mentioned that I have hypothyroidism and high blood pressure. Then he says, "Now, how can I put this gently?" (At this point, I already know what's coming.) "Jenifer, you're obviously still carrying around baby weight. Think back to a few years ago, before you started having kids. That will be the weight we'll write you down for, because I don't want to see you get rejected for health care over how much you weigh."
Thanks. Thanks a lot. Ok, I understand that I'm heavy and that that's how the ball bounces in the health care court. Those are the facts, I'm well aware. But what no one has ever understood is that when people "call my weight to my attention," all I see is a look of disgust on their faces and hear the haughtiness in their voices. It's like, "Good God, look at you! What's wrong with you? Why can't you be normal and thin and in shape like other women? You're disgusting." That's what I hear, ok? That's what my brain processes. I won't get past this for DAYS. And when it came time to confess my poundage, I found myself panicking. I could feel my whole body flushing with embarassment and shame. I was looking for ways to stall the oncoming question, a way out, something. All the guilt and shame and disgust that I've so proudly pushed aside in my endeavor to better myself came rushing back in one single moment. My childhood came flooding back in a torrent. The kids at school were back, calling me names and laughing and pointing fingers and mooing. People who I know and love and look up to were there again, asking me, "When are you going to lose weight like your mother? Don't you want to look like her and your sister?" In one foul swoop, my dignity and perserverance were taken away. It was heartwrenching, to say the least.
Charlie did and said all he could to boost my confidence last night. It didn't work. I even got up early, fed Aiden, and did my exercises. Still not feeling it. The whole time I did the routine, I kept thinking, "What am I doing? Why bother? Do I think people will like me better if I lose weight? Will my family love me more if I become 5 sizes smaller?" It's times like this when I seriously consider bulemia, starvation, or other drastic measures. Maybe that's what will work for me. What else is there? Everyday, I'm afraid to eat. The thing is, I don't eat that much, and I have made so many changes to make sure I'm eating healthier. I've mastered portion control and cut out high fat, high sugar, high carb, high sodium foods. Charlie refuses to consent to me having gastric bypass. I don't know that I necessarily need that. Plus (no pun intended), I don't know if I can go through another surgery or hospital stay knowing how it affects Gabriella.
People who have never experienced these feelings, or haven't experienced them to the capacity that I have, can very easily say, "Chin up! Don't give up now. Just brush it off and keep doing what you're doing. You can do this!" They will wholeheartedly believe that their pep talks and positive outlook will help me change my perspective. It won't. Know why? Because it has to come from me. And if I don't believe in myself, it is never going to happen for me. This is why I have failed so miserably, so many times before. I'm afraid of myself - I know me too well. I knew better than to bank on this life change. I told Charlie that I was afraid I was going to let me down. At least I'm living up to that expectation, huh?
I don't really know what more to say except that it's not easy. I didn't ask to be this way. I didn't want to get to this point. Crying out for help has never gotten me anywhere, maybe because I refused to do so. Living like this on a day to day basis really just sucks, ok? It SUCKS!!! I hate it. I hate being me somedays. I don't hate being a mom to two beautiful, wonderful children. I don't hate being a wife to an incredible, amazing husband. I don't hate being a sister, daughter, granddaughter, niece, cousin, aunt, in-law, or friend to anyone. I just hate being stuck in this cocoon that I've woven over the years. I keep hoping that, one day, that pretty little butterfly will pop out of that crysallis and take everyone by storm. I'm doing all I can to get to that point, but it's hard knowing that your best isn't good enough. I don't know that it will ever be.
"So this is my hell..."
"So this is my struggle..."
"So why bother?"
How easily discouraged I get. It doesn't take much - it never has. I don't like to be consumed by a problem. Honestly, it does nothing but drag me down, make me feel like crap, and have a poor affect on those around me. But it is hard to stay positive, especially when we're talking about something that could mean life or death for me...and that is the sickening, harsh reality of it all.
About a month ago, we received in the mail some information about a health care plan. Seeing as we can't stand the new insurance that Charlie's company has forced upon them, and the fact that Charlie is looking elsewhere for work, we thought it would be in our best interest to explore other options. The rep for the insurance company came to our house last night to discuss the plans and benefits. We get about 3/4 of the way through the presentation, and it gets laid out on the table. He asked if we have any specific health problems that would inhibit our chances of getting this insurance (ie. diabetes, cancer, epilepsy, etc.). We said no, but mentioned that I have hypothyroidism and high blood pressure. Then he says, "Now, how can I put this gently?" (At this point, I already know what's coming.) "Jenifer, you're obviously still carrying around baby weight. Think back to a few years ago, before you started having kids. That will be the weight we'll write you down for, because I don't want to see you get rejected for health care over how much you weigh."
Thanks. Thanks a lot. Ok, I understand that I'm heavy and that that's how the ball bounces in the health care court. Those are the facts, I'm well aware. But what no one has ever understood is that when people "call my weight to my attention," all I see is a look of disgust on their faces and hear the haughtiness in their voices. It's like, "Good God, look at you! What's wrong with you? Why can't you be normal and thin and in shape like other women? You're disgusting." That's what I hear, ok? That's what my brain processes. I won't get past this for DAYS. And when it came time to confess my poundage, I found myself panicking. I could feel my whole body flushing with embarassment and shame. I was looking for ways to stall the oncoming question, a way out, something. All the guilt and shame and disgust that I've so proudly pushed aside in my endeavor to better myself came rushing back in one single moment. My childhood came flooding back in a torrent. The kids at school were back, calling me names and laughing and pointing fingers and mooing. People who I know and love and look up to were there again, asking me, "When are you going to lose weight like your mother? Don't you want to look like her and your sister?" In one foul swoop, my dignity and perserverance were taken away. It was heartwrenching, to say the least.
Charlie did and said all he could to boost my confidence last night. It didn't work. I even got up early, fed Aiden, and did my exercises. Still not feeling it. The whole time I did the routine, I kept thinking, "What am I doing? Why bother? Do I think people will like me better if I lose weight? Will my family love me more if I become 5 sizes smaller?" It's times like this when I seriously consider bulemia, starvation, or other drastic measures. Maybe that's what will work for me. What else is there? Everyday, I'm afraid to eat. The thing is, I don't eat that much, and I have made so many changes to make sure I'm eating healthier. I've mastered portion control and cut out high fat, high sugar, high carb, high sodium foods. Charlie refuses to consent to me having gastric bypass. I don't know that I necessarily need that. Plus (no pun intended), I don't know if I can go through another surgery or hospital stay knowing how it affects Gabriella.
People who have never experienced these feelings, or haven't experienced them to the capacity that I have, can very easily say, "Chin up! Don't give up now. Just brush it off and keep doing what you're doing. You can do this!" They will wholeheartedly believe that their pep talks and positive outlook will help me change my perspective. It won't. Know why? Because it has to come from me. And if I don't believe in myself, it is never going to happen for me. This is why I have failed so miserably, so many times before. I'm afraid of myself - I know me too well. I knew better than to bank on this life change. I told Charlie that I was afraid I was going to let me down. At least I'm living up to that expectation, huh?
I don't really know what more to say except that it's not easy. I didn't ask to be this way. I didn't want to get to this point. Crying out for help has never gotten me anywhere, maybe because I refused to do so. Living like this on a day to day basis really just sucks, ok? It SUCKS!!! I hate it. I hate being me somedays. I don't hate being a mom to two beautiful, wonderful children. I don't hate being a wife to an incredible, amazing husband. I don't hate being a sister, daughter, granddaughter, niece, cousin, aunt, in-law, or friend to anyone. I just hate being stuck in this cocoon that I've woven over the years. I keep hoping that, one day, that pretty little butterfly will pop out of that crysallis and take everyone by storm. I'm doing all I can to get to that point, but it's hard knowing that your best isn't good enough. I don't know that it will ever be.
Friday, March 14, 2008
Slow week...or is it?
Ok, so this post is a polar opposite to my last post as far as the whole weight issue goes. For those of you who don't know, I've had it up to my neck (which is in shape) with being a porker. Last week, I was so frustrated. I've been making sure I exercise at least 3 times a week (usually, I do 5 days per week), for at least a half an hour. Then, I take measurements at the end of the week. From February 21-27, I lost 12.5 inches overall!! I was psyched. Then, on the 6th of March I measured again - I lost 2 inches overall. Hence, the main subject matter of the post titled "Fargin' bored..." I just took my measurements about 5 minutes ago - totally pysched again!! 6 inches lost overall, with the most significant being in my ribcage (3 inches lost). I also went back to the doctor on Monday - I lost a pound since my last weight check which was only four days prior (Thursday). Not bad - if I could keep up that pace at the very least, I'd be happy.
I wish the loss was more obvious to people. No one has commented, except for Charlie, who says he feels a difference when he hugs me. I know he's not just saying that to boost my confidence. Thankfully, Charlie is completely honest about everything and doesn't say things to save face, or because it's what he thinks someone does or doesn't want to hear. Going back to my last post, I think if I got some different clothes, maybe that would help. Maybe not - I don't know. NOW - that doesn't mean if I see any of you in the next week or so that I want you to say, "Oh my GOSH, you've lost weight!!" You're not allowed to say anything along those lines until you truly see a significant difference!!
It is hard. Somedays I look in the mirror and go, "Ugh...I don't look any different then I did when I started this whole thing. Why bother?" Then, other days I catch a glimpse of myself and say, "Hey...I don't look so bad..." I go up and down, and I'm trying hard as heck to keep a positive outlook on the whole thing. I just keep trucking, hoping that my efforts will yield some desireable results. I want to be around for a while, especially for my kids. I've been making a lot of changes and keeping my health in check, which just recently included a clotting panel and cholesterol check (both bloodwork - results pending). In the meantime, my blood pressure has made a dramatic turn since having Aiden. 132/70 and 122/80 last couple of times I had it checked - and that was without any bp meds for almost a week. The latter was a tad high (bottom #), but not outrageous. I'm back on the meds just to be on the safe side. Pretty favorable experiment, though.
Tuesday I skipped my workout and opted to install some carpet on the landing at the top of our basement stairs. I was up and down those stairs at least 2 dozen times looking for tools, edging, nails, duct tape (don't ask), the tape measure, you name it!! I was sweating by the time I was done and my calves were begging for mercy, so I'd say that counts as a workout. And the landing looks pretty nice, if I do say so myself. Not perfect, but it serves its purpose.
The vacuum cleaner parts arrived in the mail yesterday. Charlie fixed the vacuum for me last night. So far, so good. But I have to say, I'm going to miss the shop vac. (Don't worry, Chris - I used the hose & attachments for the sake of my back!) It's on standby, just in case.
Ok, all my fellow bloggers - I have a young lady who has just dumped a bucket of crayons on the floor. I should help her clean them up before she gets the idea that the hardwood needs a wax job of sorts. Love to you all!
By the way, has this group of politicians running for president not been the biggest bunch of goobers you've ever seen? I don't know if I, as an American, can honestly feel confident in my vote this election year. If you ask me, our future looks bleak and hopeless. It's hard to envision any improvements heading our way no matter who takes on the big title. It's people like these presidential candidates and Eliot Spitzer who make my stomach turn.
I wish the loss was more obvious to people. No one has commented, except for Charlie, who says he feels a difference when he hugs me. I know he's not just saying that to boost my confidence. Thankfully, Charlie is completely honest about everything and doesn't say things to save face, or because it's what he thinks someone does or doesn't want to hear. Going back to my last post, I think if I got some different clothes, maybe that would help. Maybe not - I don't know. NOW - that doesn't mean if I see any of you in the next week or so that I want you to say, "Oh my GOSH, you've lost weight!!" You're not allowed to say anything along those lines until you truly see a significant difference!!
It is hard. Somedays I look in the mirror and go, "Ugh...I don't look any different then I did when I started this whole thing. Why bother?" Then, other days I catch a glimpse of myself and say, "Hey...I don't look so bad..." I go up and down, and I'm trying hard as heck to keep a positive outlook on the whole thing. I just keep trucking, hoping that my efforts will yield some desireable results. I want to be around for a while, especially for my kids. I've been making a lot of changes and keeping my health in check, which just recently included a clotting panel and cholesterol check (both bloodwork - results pending). In the meantime, my blood pressure has made a dramatic turn since having Aiden. 132/70 and 122/80 last couple of times I had it checked - and that was without any bp meds for almost a week. The latter was a tad high (bottom #), but not outrageous. I'm back on the meds just to be on the safe side. Pretty favorable experiment, though.
Tuesday I skipped my workout and opted to install some carpet on the landing at the top of our basement stairs. I was up and down those stairs at least 2 dozen times looking for tools, edging, nails, duct tape (don't ask), the tape measure, you name it!! I was sweating by the time I was done and my calves were begging for mercy, so I'd say that counts as a workout. And the landing looks pretty nice, if I do say so myself. Not perfect, but it serves its purpose.
The vacuum cleaner parts arrived in the mail yesterday. Charlie fixed the vacuum for me last night. So far, so good. But I have to say, I'm going to miss the shop vac. (Don't worry, Chris - I used the hose & attachments for the sake of my back!) It's on standby, just in case.
Ok, all my fellow bloggers - I have a young lady who has just dumped a bucket of crayons on the floor. I should help her clean them up before she gets the idea that the hardwood needs a wax job of sorts. Love to you all!
By the way, has this group of politicians running for president not been the biggest bunch of goobers you've ever seen? I don't know if I, as an American, can honestly feel confident in my vote this election year. If you ask me, our future looks bleak and hopeless. It's hard to envision any improvements heading our way no matter who takes on the big title. It's people like these presidential candidates and Eliot Spitzer who make my stomach turn.
Saturday, March 8, 2008
Fargin' bored...
Ugh...just a blah day. I haven't been out of the house since Thursday for a gyno appt...like you all really needed to know that. I don't care. That's life. We all have to do it, us womens. Anyway, the short trip to Sugar Grove and back just didn't cut it for me. I was going to go grocery shopping last night, but the round of freezing rain put a halt to that. Then, I was going to try today...again, thanks, freezing rain...
Now I can't do anything with my blog (review comments, change layout) except post, apparently, so that's what I'm doing. I'm way bored.
I need some new clothes. I've been wearing the same s@#t for two years! So where do I go? My options are Wal-Mart or Fashion Bug. Yay. I couldn't be more thrilled. Wal-Mart has a pretty sad selection. I always see the normal size ladies department has pretty sundresses and flowery tank tops, cute cut offs, strappy sandals...things like that. What do us bigger women get? "Oooo, Doris - check out that moo moo! That's a nice daisy pattern, isn't it? Ooo, and look at that one with the geometric shapes! This one has horizontal stripes - I hear they're in this season! Oh, and look! They even have color coordinated orthopedic sneakers! Look over there - they're running a special on knee-highs!"
And what's up with Fashion Bug, anyway? There are two doors - one up front for the juniors/sizes 0-14. Sizes 16+: there's big letters on the right side of the building that say: "Fashion Bug PLUS" with an arrow pointing around the corner to the back of the building for that door, which I'm assuming is the service entrance. Thanks for keeping it discreet, FB. Like I can fake it anyway. Why do they have to segregate us? It's like a racist thing or something. I guess they don't want the smaller chics mingling in with us and going, "Ewww! What is she doing here??"
And bras - forget it. That's so embarrassing when you find your size and realize it might be confused with a large purse. And they ususally come in two colors - white or ivory. Then the clothes racks are so close together. You have to turn sideways and sashay through everything. Meanwhile, you're knocking clothes off the racks and bumping into things when you bend over to clean up your mess. Then the little 90-lb. cashier comes running over and goes, "Do you, like, need help or something?" So I stand up and end up bumping her back a few feet; she lands on her ass and I have to pick her up, poor thing. Now I have to apologize, "I'm so sorry, I didn't even see you. No, really, here - I'm stronger - I'll pick the rack up. Yes, and I'll hang all the clothes back up on it, too. Oh, you have a customer at your register. And will you tell that girl that thing is not a hangbag? What's the cup size on it? If it's a triple G, hang on to it for me!"
*sigh* I hate being fat. Everyone's always like, "No, you are NOT fat! Don't say that." Ok, I'm not. I just have big boobs, big arms, big legs, and a belly. But my neck is in shape, you know...so that's a good thing...
Now I can't do anything with my blog (review comments, change layout) except post, apparently, so that's what I'm doing. I'm way bored.
I need some new clothes. I've been wearing the same s@#t for two years! So where do I go? My options are Wal-Mart or Fashion Bug. Yay. I couldn't be more thrilled. Wal-Mart has a pretty sad selection. I always see the normal size ladies department has pretty sundresses and flowery tank tops, cute cut offs, strappy sandals...things like that. What do us bigger women get? "Oooo, Doris - check out that moo moo! That's a nice daisy pattern, isn't it? Ooo, and look at that one with the geometric shapes! This one has horizontal stripes - I hear they're in this season! Oh, and look! They even have color coordinated orthopedic sneakers! Look over there - they're running a special on knee-highs!"
And what's up with Fashion Bug, anyway? There are two doors - one up front for the juniors/sizes 0-14. Sizes 16+: there's big letters on the right side of the building that say: "Fashion Bug PLUS" with an arrow pointing around the corner to the back of the building for that door, which I'm assuming is the service entrance. Thanks for keeping it discreet, FB. Like I can fake it anyway. Why do they have to segregate us? It's like a racist thing or something. I guess they don't want the smaller chics mingling in with us and going, "Ewww! What is she doing here??"
And bras - forget it. That's so embarrassing when you find your size and realize it might be confused with a large purse. And they ususally come in two colors - white or ivory. Then the clothes racks are so close together. You have to turn sideways and sashay through everything. Meanwhile, you're knocking clothes off the racks and bumping into things when you bend over to clean up your mess. Then the little 90-lb. cashier comes running over and goes, "Do you, like, need help or something?" So I stand up and end up bumping her back a few feet; she lands on her ass and I have to pick her up, poor thing. Now I have to apologize, "I'm so sorry, I didn't even see you. No, really, here - I'm stronger - I'll pick the rack up. Yes, and I'll hang all the clothes back up on it, too. Oh, you have a customer at your register. And will you tell that girl that thing is not a hangbag? What's the cup size on it? If it's a triple G, hang on to it for me!"
*sigh* I hate being fat. Everyone's always like, "No, you are NOT fat! Don't say that." Ok, I'm not. I just have big boobs, big arms, big legs, and a belly. But my neck is in shape, you know...so that's a good thing...
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